 |
 |
DUBLIN - An independent panel of doctors have concluded that former Taoiseach Charles
Haughey is afflicted with too many mansions, Jaguars and offshore bank accounts to allow
him to safely participate in legal proceedings. 'This patient's vascular system simply
cannot withstand another tax audit' explained Dr. Turlough Quinlivan yesterday. 'Mr. Haughey has been probed several times before in the past - often by doctors - and nobody has ever been able to find anything wrong. This time, however, it's very different.' Endocrinologist Phillip Murray agrees. 'This patient's racehorse count is dangerously high' he added. The panel has recommended that the former Taoiseach convalesce for several years on a remote island, free from any taxing activities.
|
|
 |
Congo to be governed by coup
BRAZZAVILLE - The citizens of the Democratic Republic of the Congo have decided that instead of
electing a new president every three years, they will simply shoot him.
'He's only going to last a few years and then get shot anyway' government spokesman
Kswame Mguame explained at a press conference yesterday, 'we might as well formalise
the process.' Citizens of the Congo agree. 'To prevent the Congo being ruled by arbitrary
force and violence, we have decided it should be ruled by regulated force and violence'
a native explained. Mguame admits that certain difficulties remain: for example, a coup
could bring to power a political faction opposed to government by coup. 'Therefore the
entire governmental system must be protected from coups' explained Mguame. 'We will do
everything in our power to enshrine in our constititution the right to summarily execute
the government and alter the constitution when we get fed up with either of them.
Opposition groups will not be permitted to take the law into their own hands until
they change the law to allow them to do so.'
Travellers not moving
GALWAY - A large family of itinerants were refusing to budge yesterday from the small
traffic island opposite a row of residential houses in a Galway town, where they have been
living for the last year. 'As members of the travelling community we have a right to stay
put here for as long as we like.' declared Jimmy O'Fagan from the window of his hiace.
'And if them settled people opposite don't like it they can go somewhere else.' The
increasingly settled nature of this travelling clan is making the non-travelling community
increasingly unsettled. Declared resident David Reid: 'For people this well-travelled,
they don't seem very educated.'
Harlem resident Clinton tells investigators
'Come and get me'
NEW YORK - Federal investigators probing allegations of corruption brought against former President
Bill Clinton say that it is not a co-incidence that the fugitive has chosen a violent, lawless region of
the world to hide out in. 'Following the African embassy bombings', explained FBI agent James
Kallstrom, 'Osama Bin Laden sought refuge under the protection of the Taliban militia in the caves of Afghanistan,
and it looks as though Clinton has taken a leaf out of his book.' Federal agents have stated that it
will be very difficult to flush out the defiant Clinton: Harlem's close-quarter terrain and high population density
rules out the possibility of a ground assault. Sanctions have already been initiated against Harlem, and the Pentagon
are said to be making preparations for an air strike.
Blarney Stone develops cold sore
CORK - Following decades of being kissed by strangers from all corners of the globe, none
of whom were screened for hygiene, the Blarney Stone has finally developed a cold sore.
'It's a nasty one' explained local folklorist Martin O'Shea. 'We've had lithologists here
all last week and they tell us it's just eating through the granite.' O'Shea confesses
that he is aware of at least one popular medicine for treating cold sores, 'but all it
seems to do is stop little alarm clocks from appearing on your face.' The source of the
cold sore has not yet been traced, but locals have their suspicions already. 'It has to be
Al Gore' surmised one. 'He was shifting the thing for about ten minutes.'
Socialist Workers Party's election chances foiled by missing sellotape
DUBLIN - Chances of electoral success for the Socialist Workers Party were thrown into
serious doubt yesterday by the mysterious disappearance of their roll of sellotape. 'Oh
no' declared party leader Roly DeBurca, 'this is all we need. I mean, we just managed to
print off all fifty A4 photocopies of our new Jail the Corrupt Politicians poster before
the machine conked out, and now that our sellotape has gone missing, we'll never be able
to put them up around the country.' DeBurca, who has spared no personal expense on the PR
campaign, even foregoing purchases of a comb, soap and unripped denims, is now turning to
his party colleagues for support. 'Ah come on lads, which one of ye has it?' he asked
yesterday. DeBurca has told reporters that if he doesn't get some sellotape soon, his
chances of becoming the next Taoiseach look doubtful.
|
|
|
Misinforming the gullible since 1859 
