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 Iran, Iraq and North Korea have reached the final stages of their introduction of the common currency into the AOE. The Mephisto ( ) will be available from retail outlets and banks within days, and trading on the currency market will begin shortly thereafter. 'Basically we had to find a way to avoid the crippling effects of economic sanctions' explained Iranian president Khatami, 'and so we decided to band together and trade weapons, military intelligence, human heads, that sort of thing.' Iraqi president Saddam Hussein agrees. 'I essentially gave up trying to project a friendly, avuncular image of myself around the world' he explained, 'and so I said what the Heck and changed the national currency to blood-money and personally shot up an orphanage. There's also a price of 500,000 on Bush's head.' President Bush has already condemned the Mephisto as 'evil', and countries within the Eurozone are said to be concerned about the economic strength of member states of the largely oil-rich Evilzone. President Bush, however, has little time for the alliance: 'What next?' he declaimed. 'Terrorists crossing the Iranian border into North Korea?'
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Seven Seas introduce Cod Liver Oil pellet rifle
'Now there's no escaping the repulsive taste of Cod Liver Oil' announced Seven Seas chairman James Bedford at the launch of the company's new arms manufacturing wing. The oil, which has always been popular with parents but loathed by kids, has frequently been sold with accessories which assisted mothers in the forced ingestion of this healthy, nutritious product - bottles frequently came free with a heavy club or vial of chloroform, until Seven Seas straps were introduced, which held down the wayward whippersnapper whilst the Seven Seas forcefeeder did its work. 'But none of these accessories are any good if the child actually gets away from the parent' explained Bedford. 'Now, with a range of up to 200 metres, our new Cod Liver Oil pellet rifle can deliver a child's daily recommended dosage of nutrients even while he is running down the street in terror or vaulting the neighbour's fence. If you have any practice at all in shooting your own children, you'll pick it up in no time.' Meanwhile, left-wing political analysts are said to be concerned about the sinister growth of the military-industrial-nutritional complex.
Clubbers now communicating in semaphore
DUBLIN - First there was the abbreviated vocabulary of SMS messaging that swept the young, disposable-income sector of Irish society. Now there's Club Semaphore, the latest form of communication to hit the Irish social scene, necessitated by the inabilty to hear yourself speak at most bars. You're never more than five feet away from a deafening loudspeaker, the Irish Tourist Board is now admitting. 'People who go out at night usually find themselves shouting at the top of their voice at the person sitting a foot away from them.' explained sociologist Dave Brannigan. 'Although talking is the most important part of socialising, most nightclubbers have simply given up on it' Clubbers now bring a pair of flags with them to signal a wide range of messages, including poorly co-ordinated drunken come-ons that frequently induce eye injuries. Rumours are also circulating that the bass-intensive beat emanating from speakers in bars is not actually music. 'That's entirely correct' explained bar manager Jim Flannery. 'We basically got rid of our DJ and just hooked a microphone up to the throbbing of a rickety boiler in the basement - that's all people can make out anyway.'
Jesus campaigns to have Sea of Galilee pedestrianised
HOLY LAND - Following a number of near-misses where he has almost been struck by passing fishing-boats while out for his morning stroll, the Messiah has demanded that the Sea of Galilee be pedestrianised. 'It's simply not safe for me to walk these waters with all the boats whizzing past here every day, laden with the fish I've miracled into their nets' he sermonised from the mount yesterday. 'This is typical Jesus' declaimed the leader of the council of scribes and pharisees. 'He starts off with a miracle, then it's all bitch, bitch, bitch. First he created so much wine from water at the wedding feast of Cana that the guests couldn't but get hammered, then he gets all shirty about the morals of bridesmaid who comes onto him. Now Mr. Loaves-and-Fishes wants to have the whole lake to himself.' The scribe then paused as he noticed that his beard had turned completely blue. 'And then this is how he takes criticism' he added.
Marlboro Recruitment now Marlboro Pressganging
IRELAND - 'All I remember is that I was sitting in a bar when I got this incredible crunching blow to the back of my head' explains computer programmer Rory Fitzgibbon. 'Next thing I knew I was chained to a desk in Lotus, localising applications for export to China.' Rory's story is not uncommon. The sudden downturn in the economy has hit the recruitment sector badly, with the result that HR firms are now finding new jobs for people who never applied for them. It has been reported that gangs of agents are now roaming the streets at night armed with koshes, clubs, and chloroform-soaked handkerchiefs. 'Basically we've had to take a more aggressive approach to getting employees for our clients' explained Marlboro manager Ted Houlihan. 'There are plenty of jobs out there for people who want them - and we have even managed to place people in jobs they didn't want. Besides, the application process is so laborious - all that emailing, waiting, and interviewing. With us, it's just a quick smack to the occiputal area, and presto - you're on the Dell payroll. A good healthy web designer can fetch upwards of 1500 these days.' Potential employees are less enthusiastic. 'Last week I was invited out for a pint after work by a friend' explained network engineer Dave Thompson. 'I told him No way. It's just not safe to go for a drink anywhere near a techie office unless there's a gang of you. In fact, now that I think of it that guy was probably setting me up - I hear CPL pay good commission for their "Recruit-a-friend" drive.' Meanwhile, Eden Recuitment are involved in a copyright tussle with Microsoft over their use of the slogan Where do you want to wake up today?
- Has absolutely no effect on you
- Name not even spell-checked
- Not tested on any animals likely to die from it
- Leaves no after-taste, even during consumption
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No, Ryanair.com are next door 
