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 IRELAND - BT spinoff company O2 have for the last three weeks been acquainting the Irish public with their chilling vision for our future. In TV adverts featuring sinister new-age music, people are seen walking around underwater and going about their daily business - playing ball with their dog, meeting friends, even flirting - whilst the pallid light from a hole in their flooded chamber shines in upon them from above. 'It's clear now' remarked consumer watchdog Peter Hickey, 'that O2 are planning to turn the Irish public into some sort of gilled, bipedal, amphibious race of super-beings, dwelling in fish-tanks whilst creepy voice-overs tell us that there should be no limit to what we can do. This is clearly an underwater dystopia of biblical and Orwellian proportions.' Irish antitrust regulators agree: they assert that 02 have long lamented the fact that air is free, and have been attempting to corner the oxygen market for some time now. 'Placing the entire air-breathing Irish market underwater would certainly leave consumers at the mercy of the company who apparently patented the product some years ago' experts say.
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Adopted son of gay couple confesses to parents
he is straight
CALIFORNIA - 'I just keep going over and over it in my mind - was it something we did wrong?' asked tearful and confused father of one Bill Pierson, who has been married to his loving husband Gerry for six years, and whose son Greg has recently told his parents that he is interested in the opposite sex. 'Our fondest dreams were that he would find a nice young man and settle down' explained Bill. 'Now we discover this. Did we raise him the wrong way? Did I mother him too much? No, wait a minute - I'm actually the man in this relationship so that can't be it.'
Posh Spice to name new child Backseat Beckham
LONDON - Victoria Beckham is to continue her tradition of naming her children after the places in which they were conceived. 'We kicked off the trend with our first child, Brooklyn' explained the expecting pop singer, 'but this time David and I decided to be more specific. In fact, we were in Ireland at the time, so the baby's full name will be Backseat Belmullet Beckham.' Footballer David Beckham admits that he lost the battle to name the child after his car when his wife insisted that Beemer Beckham was too vague and went for Backseat instead. The Becks 'n' Posh catalogue of baby names goes on sale this week, and features such delightful monikers as Backalley, Couch, Carpet, Dining-Table and Friend's Wedding. Critics have pointed out the book contains perhaps more that people want to know.
Man putting extension on house is victim of
drive-by gawking
LEITRIM - A man in a small village in Ireland was yesterday the victim of several drive-by gawkings as he went about his business. 'It all started when I began work on the dormer windows on my roof.' explained Rory Mulcahy. 'The first attack came from some old guy on a tractor, who slowed down almost to a halt and then sped off as soon as I turned around. I didn't get a good look at him, but I know he got a good look at me.' The drive-by gawkings continued for the rest of the day and most of that week, with locals slowing down to get a gander at the building work and then quickly moving on as soon as the threat of eye contact became imminent. 'Some of them are fairly sly at it' Mulcahy explained. 'As soon as you look over at them they give a wave and drive off, as though they had stopped in the middle of the road just to get your attention.' Local Garda sergeant Liam Quinn says that the recent spate of drive-by gawkings in the area is a direct reflection of an alarming increase in gormlessness. 'Paleoanthropologists who arrived here last month reported that jaws around here have slackened 21% over the past three generations' he explained. 'For my own part, I can tell you that the choice getaway vehicles of the drive-by gawker are the slow-moving family of vehicles which include the bald-tyred Hiace van, usually refitted so that the back door stays shut by a rope tied to the dashboard; the post-office-issue high-nelly bicycle; and the rusted Zetor tractor with driver's compartment absent (for panoramic gawking).'
Bush may have left immersion heater on
WASHINGTON - Air Force One, en route to the middle east for the latest round of talks with Arab leaders, was yesterday flown back to Washington after just two hours in the air as the president realised mid-way through the flight that he may have left the immersion heater in the white house on. Upon landing, President Bush hurried through the West Wing and discovered to his relief that the switch just behind the lagging jacket was in the Off position. 'As it turned out, it had been set to 'Sink' and not 'Bath'', spokesperson Ari Flesicher told reporters yesterday. 'And so it would probably not have heated up enough to cause a problem by the time the President returned. But the President was absolutely adamant that he was going to be 100% focused on the middle east peace talks, and was not going to sit through negotiations with President Mubarak distracted by the nagging doubt that the immersion might be left on.'
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We know where you live 
