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 IRELAND - Joyriders struck again yesterday in north Dublin as a house was broken into, robbed, driven to a nearby field and torched. 'The recent increase in grand theft domestico is most disturbing' explained Sergeant Hannify of Store St. Garda Station. 'Houseriders usually start off as joyriders who eventually they get tired of stealing cars and just move into bigger things. Here the field in which the two-storey house was discovered has been examined and is visibly scarred by skidmarks from where the dwelling was subjected to several handbrake turns before it ran out of fuel and was set ablaze.' In the last three months a gang targetted one whole street in a residential estate, and proceeded to play chicken with the bungalows. The residents came home to discover that all of Rossmore Crescent was now a pile-up. 'Domestic security has yet to catch up with this latest crime trend' Hannify remarked. 'Sure we have house alarms, but the security industry is slow to grasp the need for a house immobiliser.' In the meantime Gardai have advise homeowners to chain their house to something solid while they are out. | | | |  |
New Reach Colonic gets to those hard-to-reach areas
Touted as the latest innovation in oral and intestinal hygiene, the new Reach Colonic toothbrush will go further than any toothbrush has gone before. 'Other toothbrushes merely clean those little bits of food from inside your mouth' Reach innovations chairman Douglas Trent explained, 'but the Colonic doesn't give up the chase there.' Featuring a three-foot long handle and at least eight flexible necks, the Colonic is equipped with flexible bristles that clean your back teeth and duodenum with equal efficacy. Trent, however, would not comment on rumours that Reach labs have had several unpleasant accidents testing the electric version of their new toothbrush.
Kennedy assassination witness dies in suspiciously normal circumstances
DALLAS - Almost forty years after the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, conspiracy theorists have made the alarming observation that far from the subterfuge surrounding the event dissipating with the passage of time, witnesses who were in Dealey Plaza that day are dying at an even faster rate than before. The observation was prompted by the recent death of 97-year-old Gus Mitchell, who had been standing near the triple underpass that day with his dog Bruce, who also died in mysterious circumstances. 'Mitchell testified to witnessing a number of unusual phenomena that really helped broaden the scope of our investigation' explained staunch critic of the Warren Commission Harold Weisberg. 'These included the presence of the winged horse Pegasus in the sky above the book depository, a girl sunbathing naked on the grassy knoll, and a sign in a distant shop front offering 20% off frozen yoghurt.' Film director Oliver Stone has always maintained that the winged horse was clearly a decoy specially flown over the scene by the USAF to contaminate the credibility of any witnesses, and Weisberg concludes that the naked girl was there to provide a distraction whilst the attractive discount in the grocer's window clealy shows the dairy industry in collusion with the military-industrial complex. 'Physicians tell us that the nonagenarian died of old age but we are demanding a full autopsy and are investigating all known associates of the doctors who pronounced him dead. We also plan to exhume Mitchell a couple of times just to be sure.'
Saudis, GM strike deal on faulty airbags
RIYADH - Forced last month to issue a factory recall of 15,000 hyperinflating airbags, General Motors were left wondering how they could possibly avoid making a loss on these items, until, that is, Saudi Arabian law enforcement officials had an idea. Apparently Saudi police now plan to use the airbags for the 495 public decapitations carried out each year in Riyadh. 'We were very impressed by GM's slow-motion footage of crash-test dummies being beheaded by the overinflating airbags' explained Saudi chief of police Abdullah bin Husseini. 'And so we may shortly be dispensing with the traditional scimitar and converting chop-chop square into a demolition derby circuit where sinners will be executed with the flawed artifice of the infidel.' GM chairman Bernard Rose is reported to be pleased with the development. 'For once, instead of having the press bawling about all the innocent people being killed by our shoddy workmanship, now our design flaws will be responsible for the demise of hundreds of guilty people. Take that, Ralph Nader!' Rose continued: 'The Saudi police force is indeed pleased by the consistency of the lethality of our airbags, and we have given them assurances that any airbags that do not result in a fatality will be subject to a factory recall for immediate refitting to ensure that they are unsafe at any speed.'
Chirac, Ahern sign Franco-Hibernian corruption accord
Following their dual election by a huge majority despite persistent allegations of sleaze, corruption and devil-worshipping, French President Jacques Chirac and Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern have jointly concluded that they have been given a democratic mandate from the people to do pretty much what they like. The Franco-Hibernian corruption accord, signed this morning in Versailles, and funded by Mr. Chirac from pensions for French war veterans, promises to 'usher in a new era of sleaze and understanding' between the two countries. After a symbolic exchange of brown envelopes at the signing today, Mr. Chirac promised that he would try to screw pretty much everybody, but with special emphasis on the people who didn't vote for him, while Mr. Ahern promised that he would get the Nice treaty through 'if I have to bribe every voter in the country.'
New Wella Medusa gives your snakes that light,
bouncy feel
Gorgons all over the country are celebrating the release of Wella's latest hair-care product. After years of developing shampoos for dry, permed, and damaged hair, Wella's new Medusa range will cater to a snake-infested head of hair. 'A headful of hissing, entangled rattlers is the last thing any woman wants to see when they face the bathroom mirror in the morning' explained Wella spokeperson Veronica Prentiss. 'The new Medusa line of shampoos and conditioners, however, gives any helmet of vipers that light, manageable feel.' The Gorgon Elfridates agrees: 'The hairspray basically maces the snakes, and this gives you a chance to apply the styling mousse, which gives you longer-lasting hold until they come out of it. But the best thing about the new shampoo is that it prevents split ends: the last thing a Gorgon needs is a two-headed hydra, hissing and snapping at itself. For any other woman, a quick snip does the job, but for us two more heads grow back in its place so it's really important to stop the rot.' Wella, however, have declined to comment on reports that 43 haidressers were killed in trials of the product, 12 by snake bite, whilst the remainder were carried out of the testlab as statues.
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Soon to be dot.gone 
