 |  | 
Following the refusal of member countries of region 5 to agree on a global DVD format at the UN last week, it is now feared that the world is due to descend into global conflict divided along DVD-playing lines. Yesterday US president George W. Bush declared that 'Region 5 encoding stands poised to strike the most significant blow to world peace since the bungled ballots of Florida' and went on to characterise Chad, the Ukraine, and Madagascar as an 'Axis of DVD-vil.' Defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld agrees: 'there is little doubt that if this technology were to fall into the wrong hands, all manner of terrifying special features might be added: jam sattelite surveillance; remote-detonate suitcase; auto-freeze-frame breasts... Our intelligence also confirms that Iraq is already developing alternate endings to Three Kings, True Lies, and Executive Decision.' British Prime Minister Tony Blair has ensured the nation that the cabinet is taking the crisis very seriously and that 'the U.S. can be assured of our full cooperation' whilst President Bush takes two weeks off to fix the fence surrounding his ranch.
| | | |  |
Peace Process software expires in 4 days: Northern Assembly debating whether to register it or download another
STORMONT - The trial version of Microsoft PeaceMaker Pro downloaded by the cabinet of Northern Ireland is now in its 26th day of usage, and assembly members are divided as to whether they should go ahead and pay the $30 for the licensed version or just download more freeware in an effort to solve the current crisis. 'Once again we face a deadline' declared British Prime Minister Tony Blair. 'The members of the assembly will have until midnight on Saturday to decide whether this software is compatible with a lasting peace in Northern Ireland.' Unionists have been meeting this evening to debate the crisis: their main grievance is that the paper-clip Help icon in the corner of the screen seems to wink suggestively whenever the user hovers over the Postpone decomissioning checkbox. UUP leader David Trimble has said that the Republican Concessions drop-down menu 'does indeed drop down, but not nearly far enough to meet Unionist concerns'. Microsoft have offered to apply a patch to the software, but DUP leader Ian Paisley has condemned it as 'merely a band-aid'.
Pope Clinton XXIV hurriedly canonises 40 friends before leaving Papacy
ROME - Perhaps the most controversial pope in the Vatican's history, and never far from a sex scandal, Pope Clinton XXIV is now embroiled in a new furore over his canonising of 40 close friends before his term at the Papacy ended. The move is contentious not merely because many of those who were made saints during the five-minute ceremony in Rome yesterday were close financial backers of the pontiff, but also because none of the 40 are dead yet. 'Pope Clinton has created so much havoc and exhibited such unbridled corruption with this latest fiasco' complained one Archibishop, 'that he may well prompt a new schism and a new reformation.' St. Jerome Schwietzberg, however, a prominent Manhattan attorney and close friend of the Clintons, has denied that the blanket-canonising is unwise. 'I have people coming to me every day with their problems, hoping that I will solve them. Now that I'm a saint, it means they'll still be doing it after I die.'
State pathologist Dr. John Harbison examines, creates scene
DUBLIN - The scene of a decapitation in Coolock yesterday turned into a fistfight when coroner John Harbison finally lost his cool with the 'boobery' of the Garda Siochana. 'The corpse was there, but in the space of five minutes they had misplaced the head' he explained. 'They just stood there looking at each other going Colm, didn't you have it? This is always the way - I have to drive at breakneck speed to every crime scene to make sure I get there before they screw up the evidence. So yesterday when I was told that I hardly needed the head to pronounce the person dead, I just lost it and threw the first thing I saw at the sergeant, which I now understand was the murder weapon.' A fierce brawl ensued as the officers tried to restrain the pathologist. 'I mean, the kitchenette was just 12 feet by 10, and they had managed to completely cover the floor in bloodied footprints' explained the exasperated Harbison. 'Is it police procedure to dance a jig on the damn corpse before I arrive? One of them even told me he couldn't get a statement out of the deceased.'
'Learn Arabic' CD-ROM controversially packaged with 'Master Hostage Negotiatons' CD-ROM
WASHINGTON - DigiBooks Inc yesterday defended their decision to market an Arabic language CD with a terrorist-handling CD, stating that their intention was not to create the wrong impression of the Arab world. 'This double offer no more foments paranoia about native Arabic speakers than our Learn Pushtun and Launch a Stinger Missile in 24 Hours package did for Afghanis' explained CEO Mike Morrison today. Critics, however, are dubious: 'In the Handy Phrases section of the book' explained translator Ahmed Al-Meshwar, 'we find Please don't kill me sandwiched between I'm from ... and I have six children. And under At the Airport we find odd remarks like You don't want to do this and Yes, the helicopter is available to take you wherever you want. Something really odd is going on.' DigiBooks continue to aver, however, that they are not out to tarnish the Islamic world, and have insisted that their release of Persian for Hostages will go ahead next month.
| |
|
You: get back to work 
