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 WASHINGTON - At a press conference yesterday President Bush made the shock announcement that tens of thousands of Alaskan deer are part of Osama Bin Laden's terror network. The president cited 'confidential and reliable sources within the oil industry' that the four-legged Al Qaeda operatives were planning a 'major operation' right here on US soil, and had to be removed from the Alaskan wilds 'immediately, before they are able to unleash their fiendish plot on the hated Alaskan settlers.' Texaco chairman and close Bush confidant Donald Phillips agrees: 'We have always suspected the caribou of being fifth columnists, of plotting to secede Alaska from the union, claiming the land for themselves. Since they now represent such a grave threat to nationality security, it is clear that their presence on US soil can no longer be tolerated.' On his third attempt President Bush correctly signed the deportation order for the caribou, and it is understood that some of the suspected ringleaders will be flown to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation. | | | |  |
Hostages becoming increasingly smelly
PHILLIPINES - The International Red Cross is becoming concerned about the hygiene of fourteen European tourists held for four months by Islamic separatists on a small Fillipino island. Journalists returning from interviewing the hostages have reported that the smell is unbearable, and doubt they will be able to make further visits. 'Man, they really stink' remarked CNN correspondent Judy Schweitzer. 'All the plants around them are dead. The UN seriously need to get a bar of soap up there.' The Phillipino government, however, is refusing to give in to the terrorist's demands for Radox bath salts.
Blair says Downing St henceforth Donwign St
LONDON - Attempting to rally support for the forthcoming joint US/British military campaign against Iraq, Prime Minister Tony Blair told the House of Commons today that Britain must stand 'steadfastly beside the Bush administration on every issue, including spelling' and that the Labour government's efforts to assist the US in every way will include altering the sequence of letters in Downing St to accommodate the US president's efforts to correctly spell the streetname. 'This is a time when the leaders of great nations need to look beyond the petty issues of grammar and syntax that have divided them in the past' the Prime Minster told members of the Commons yesterday. 'President Bush needs our help, not our criticism, and I intend to get the Iraq bill thru parliament whatever the kost.'
David Norris blamed for Ulysses' overwhelmingly gay following
The literary community rounded strongly on Irish Joycean scholar and gay rights campaigner David Norris at this year's international James Joyce symposium in Berlin, which was yesterday swamped by a gay rights march. English professors from around the world have accused Norris of 'rewriting a masterpiece in pink ink' and 'reducing a monument of literature to the status of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.' Norris's intensely poncy annual commemoration of Bloomsday in Dublin is thought to have inadvertently given the gay community the wrong idea about Ulysses, with the result that the impenetrable text now has a cult following that places it among George Michael singles and John Waters movies. 'It's hard enough to get people to read this damn thing to begin with' fulminated Yale professor Harold Bloom. 'Now that Norris has totally camped it up, nobody wants to write a paper on it for fear that their friends will get the wrong idea.'
Orgasm, moon landing faked
Conspiracy theorist Alan Fletcher who has for years been attempting to prove that the 1969 moon landing was broadcast from a warehouse in Nevada, is now becoming suspicious that his wife is in cahoots with the federal government. 'You're just trying to pacify me' he told her, following her quite vocal response last night, which Fletcher considers too effusive to have been genuine. 'It's just like the drugs they're putting into the water supply to keep us passive consumers in an increasingly fragmented society.' The irked Mrs. Fletcher has assured her husband that her passion was genuine. 'Garbage' retorted Fletcher. 'Neil Armstrong's performance was more convincing than that screechfest.' Fletcher then disappeared into his lead-lined basement before NASA could change his mind using radio-waves transmitted from his neighbour's TV ariel.
Passenger runs out of frequent-flyer miles in mid-atlantic
A tragic incident occured a few weeks ago when British Airways passenger Steve Shaughnessey suddenly ran out of frequent-flyer miles two hours after takeoff from Heathrow airport on a Chicago-bound flight, and was ejected from the airliner at 30,000 feet. Chairman of the One World alliance Dave Somerset has told the press that 'this was a tragic incident, the more so because it could so easily have been avoided.' Somerset went on to explain that every effort is made to remind passengers to check that they have enough frequent flyer miles to cover their journey. 'However, it is simply a statistical impossibilty to eliminate the tiny minority of cases such as people like Mr. Shaughnessey who discover midway through their flight that they have not paid for the rest of the journey.' The NTSB have pointed out that quite enough attention is paid to means of combatting frequent-flyer-freeloaders, such as the tagging system which prevents the non-payer from avoiding seat-ejection by hiding in the toilet, and literally flushes out the offending passenger. NTSB rep Rudi Kapusin remarked: 'We should at least give the poor bastards a parachute on the way down. Unless they interfere with the smoke alarm. That's a federal offence.'
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In Dolby surround where available 
