 |
 |
 WASHINGTON - With the buildup of troops in the Persian Gulf at its highest for months, the erotic tension in the Oval office has reached its peak. President Bush, whose unsatisfiability has been public knowledge for some months now, explained that following the delivery of Iraq's 12,000-page weapons report, his wife has squandered the world's last chance for peace. 'For the last three months now my wife and I have been involved in intense efforts with UN marriage counsellors to resolve the escalating conflict peacefully' the President explained yesterday. 'But I regret to say that I have now been left with no choice but to bomb Iraq.' Psychopolitical analyst Herb Schwartzberg agrees with Mrs. Bush's analysis that the current phase of the War on Terror is really just an outward expression of a deep-seated inner Oedipal conflict with his father. 'George W. Bush's mobilising of troops in the Gulf for a long, bloody assault on a defenceless civilian population is clearly an attempt to win his mother's affection' he explained. 'The son has indeed replaced the father in this instance but there is still an emotional void there that needs to be filled by the cathartic act of levelling Baghdad. Similarly, the $22bn missile shield is really just a defence mechanism which the President unconsciously uses to protect himself from the perceived potency of other nations.' But President Bush today dismissed the analysis. 'The world must not be left in any doubt about the adequacy of the Presidency' he declared. 'And so on the first night we will make a swift, thrusting movement into the Gulf under cover of darkness. During the rest of the campaign I plan to nail at least one target every night, maybe even two at the same time.'
|
|
|
|
 |
Blair sends crack team of soccer hooligans to the Gulf
Britain yesterday stepped up its committment to the War on Terror by dispatching two battalions of Milwall supporters to the Persian Gulf. This elite unit, specialising in hand-to-hand bottle combat and each capable of withstanding 750lbs of water-cannon pressure, are alleged to have struck terror into the ranks of Saddam's Republican Guard. 'Only the most heavily beer-gutted skinheads with the longest unemployment records have been selected for active duty' the Prime Minister told the House of Commons yesterday. 'Not everyone was foul-mouthed or tattooed enough to make the grade for this crucial mission, and I have been given confirmation from their leader that once they realise there are no off-licences in Baghdad, the destruction of the city is assured. The men will move from street to street in large groups, interrogating the local population as to what they think they are looking at, and will coordinate to take out strategic targets such as shop windows and non-overturned cars. This government has ensured that this force has been given enough cans of Scrumpy Jack to carry out its mission.'
Ballygowan supertanker runs aground off Norway
An environmental disaster is looming in the North Sea this evening, as sattelite imagery has confirmed that an enormous slick of sparkling mineral water is drifting towards the Norwegian coast following the puncturing of the Irish supertanker Tugtha don Ól. In a statement to the press this evening the Ballygowan corporation has apologised for the incident, stating that they had no indication such a disaster could occur, given that the ex-captain of the Exxon Valdez 'has been on the wagon for months. This guy is only allowed to command vessels transporting non-alcholic cargos, so we thought we'd be safe enough.' They added: 'It seems now that nothing can stop this enormous wave of cool, refreshing mineral water found deep within the rocks of the Irish countryside from reaching the fjords of Scandinavia.' Oceanographers have predicted that the fizzy tsunami will wash upon the Norwegian coastline in the form of an enormous wall of froth that will clog up the inlets for weeks. The Norwegian government, meanwhile, has reacted angrily to the apology. 'So much for 800 years of purity bottled' fumed Terje Anderssen. 'They hardly got 800 yards offshore when an iceberg uncorked this damn thing. I've got a whole shoreline full of burping seals here and if this thing make sits way inland our freshwater fish are going to be carbonated-water fish.' The catastrophe is said to be of the magnitude of last year's cooking-oil spill which washed up thousands of straight-to-wok fish on the Chinese coast, and the ketchup supertanker which polluted the Red Sea.
Donald Rumsfeld going door-to-door with petition
to bomb Iraq
WASHINGTON - The world's most unpopular cause was yesterday given a much-needed shot in the arm as Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stood on Pennsylvania Ave urging passers-by to sign his petition objecting to the unwarranted use of peace to solve the Iraqi problem. Wearing a sandwich board emblazoned with the words Blood for Oil, the skull-faced Rumsfeld leered enticingly at curious onlookers, asking them to do their duty as citizens of a peace-loving nation by demanding that their government immediately halt their attempts to find a way out of bombing a land of malnourished peasants with blockaded medical supplies. 'Look at these guys' he implored members of the public, holding up pictures of typical Iraqis. 'They've got funny mustaches. Is this the kind of world we want our children to grow up in? This starving, sanctions-ruined, UN-disarmed country we recently kicked the crap out of can no longer be allowed to pose a threat to the security of the world's largest military power.'
Reply to steamy email accidentally becomes Reply to All
MELBOURNE - An unnamed employee within a prominent telecoms company recently made her opinion of a co-worker more broadly known than intended. 'I had just sent the message' she explained, 'and then about a minute later I started getting all these out-of-office autoreplies from people I'd never heard of before. I was just thinking 'What the-' when it dawned on me what happened.' Although the employee immediately sent around a crawlingly apologetic email, this did not prevent a flood of sarcastic and saucy messages, also from people she had never heard of before.
Esat announce plans to dig up entire country
DUBLIN - Following a compulsory purchase order issued by the High Court for the Irish Republic, Esat have announced that they will soon be proceeding to lay the world's most extensive fibreoptic network. 'There will be some disruption caused to pavements, roads, traffic, flowerbeds, bomb shelters, graveyards, national monuments, offshore drilling platforms and mountain ranges' explained CEO Neil Parkinson yesterday. 'but nothing too serious.'
|
|
|
All staff now breathalysed 
