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SPANISH COAST - As a mark of respect following the tragedy of the shuttle disaster in the US, the mayor of the Mediterranean party island of Ibiza has asked citizens and holidaymakers alike to observe a minute's no-fornicating. 'We've never tried this before' explained Eduardo Martinez, 'but I'm sure that our English visitors are capable of it, however hammered they may be. Tomorrow at noon, a bell will be sounded across the island: condoms will remain unpackaged; brassieres will stay clasped; and toilet cubicles will be occupied by just one person at a time as people all over Ibiza stand to attention for sixty seconds to await the second bell which signals the resumption of bedspring-bashing.' The British ambassador to Spain has condemned as 'impractical and unrealistic' the attempt to make English holidaymakers abroad stop screwing for one whole minute, and has urged Martinez to abandon the effort, which will also constitute an island record if successful.
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IT recruitment agency also dating agency
SYDNEY - Leading recruitment consultants ITmatch.com have raised some questions from their peers this week by changing their name to ITLoveMatch.com. Manager Phillip Stone explained: 'Basically what we've observed over years of recruiting geeks is that they have no life outside their jobs. If you examine the Hobbies and Interests section of their resume, it's virtually identical to their technical skillset. So we hit on this great idea - while finding employers looking for guys doing ASP, Oracle and Java, we can also pair these nerds up with potential partners who spend their weekends doing exactly the same thing.' Stone brushed aside complaints that the site will confuse both employers and employees. 'I think it's pretty obvious what's going on when you read an advert saying "WLTM hunky C++ developer for hectic weekends with demanding mistress. Must have 3 years SQL Server." Suffice it to say, the more experienced the candidate is, the better.' The dual dating/employment agency has also generated controversy by its use of the motto For love or money. 'Look' huffed Stone. 'There's nothing that gives me greater pleasure than placing two nerds in the same company, where they can hold hands while they debug Cobol together. Would you rather these guys were running around your gene pool?'
Tight security around schoolgirl's birthday party following threat of terrorist attack
SYDNEY - Australian ten-year-old Rachel Grimes will celebrate her birthday this weekend secure in the knowledge that she will be safe from terrorist attack, her mother reported today. Security leading up to the event has been tight, explained Mrs. Grimes. 'We had the invitations carefully screened before sending them out two weeks ago, running background checks on all the kids through Interpol's database. We've got the x-ray machine all set up to check the presents, and the bomb squad has been here all week sticking mirrors under cars and welding down manhole covers around the house. All the kids we've invited will walk slowly up the path from the front gate, with t-shirts pulled up to shoulder level to show that they're not packing anything. We'll also have a sniper on the roof across the street to take out anyone suspicious. I know the adverts told us to "stay alert, but not alarmed", but I'm going to be safe and go for both options.' The security alert began at 10 Billingsgate Drive following the arrival of PM John Howard's fridge-door anti-terrorism kit, which was posted out to all Australian households this week. 'Until that fridge magnet arrived I had no idea we were in such danger' explained Mrs. Grimes. 'Well, no ten pound block of gelignite's going to ruin my little girl's party.'
Pink Floyd release new album cover
LONDON - In what the world-famous band have described as 'the next logical step in the evolution of our music', Pink Floyd have decide to stop recording albums to go with their album covers. 'In terms of musical talent we're pretty much over the hill at this at this stage' explained guitarist David Gilmour, 'but we have a teriffic team of graphic artists we've worked with down through the years, and so we basically went back into the recording studio to produce one last album cover. I don't think anyone actually listened to our last album, for example. All the critics reviewed it as "a visual feast", or "sumptuously photographed", so we got the message pretty quickly.' The British rock group have become famous for their increasingly sophisticated packaging, which culminated in the double live compilation album Pulse, whose success has been attributed to the little blinking red light embedded in the cover. 'There wasn't a single original song on that CD' explained lead singer Roger Waters, 'so there was no reason for a 'Floyd fan to buy it. But it sold millions. We even had people writing to the record company asking for a replacement battery when it stopping blinking.' Fans were not disappointed by the new album cover, which went on sale at HMV Oxford St today. They seemed as intrigued by the image of a serpent devouring a curved telephone pole floating over a desert landscape as they were by the titles and playing times of the non-existent tracks listed on the back. 'When we release the collector's edition of this album cover at twice the price in five years time' Gilmour explained, 'it will contain two bonus tracks, which also went unrecorded.' Waters has described the release as 'a concept concept album, in that the concept is all you get'. Pink Floyd are also in the concept stage of not recording a new album cover, which will be released in 2004, and 'will be indistinguishable from a slice of toast.' And the band have announced that they will not be making any appearance at their next sell-out concert appearance, which will simply be 'a set of giant projections of Gerald Scarfe cartoons, without any of the trappings of music playing'. Indeed, following this concept-only trend, Westlife have decided to eschew the usual format of CD, cassette and vinyl, and release their next album on t-shirt, poster and calendar.
Physicists investigate disturbance in space-time continuum around U2 concerts
BOSTON - MIT professor of Relativity Geoff Schultz has assembled a team of quantum theory specialists to probe the peculiar violation of the laws of causality recently exhibited by sales of U2 concert tickets. 'The sheer speed with which tickets to these concerts sell out has always pushed the boundaries of physical possibility' Schultz explained. 'But the last three concerts sold out before the band had even formed, and thus anyone who had spent all morning repeatedly phoning Ticketmaster without first travelling back in time to the seventies was just wasting their time.' Physicists in the 1930s hypothesized that if the demand for concert tickets was intense enough, it could generate a kind of artificial gravity, and thus warp space-time around it. 'That's why all concert halls have unusual structures' explained Schultz. 'The British designed the domed cylindrical form of the Albert Hall to withstand parabolic-convex space-warping; the Australians designed the Sydney Opera House to cope with arched-crennellation stresses; and the Irish just threw everyone into a big field in Slane where the only damage that would be done by the sudden appearance of a black hole is a few less crusties and metallers.'
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I suppose you think this is funny 
