 |
 |
LONDON - The makers of the popular video game Tomb Raider announced at a press conference yesterday that the mammary glands of their best-selling character are no more real than those of Pamela Anderson. 'But they look so natural' protested several fans of the anatomically impossible Lara Croft. Scientists and doctors, however, have dismissed such protestations as nonsense or merely wishful thinking. 'Using computer modelling of the heroine we have been able to conclusively demonstrate that an individual as waifish as Ms. Croft would suffer severe spinal curvature carrying such a load around, especially if she were to undergo the kind of physical activity involved in tomb-raiding' explained Dr. Jules Stephenson of Johns Hopkins University. His colleague Solomon Bradley added: 'In our computer simulations of the game, Ms. Croft's impressive chest proved fatal nine times out of of ten when she lunged for the vine across the pit of lava: she was just too weighty to make it. From evidence such as this we can only conclude that the Tomb Raider game is simply not realistic.'
|
|
|
 |
Liffey now solid
DUBLIN - Dublin's River Liffey, environmentalists confirmed yesterday, has stopped flowing.
The liquid in the river, which is understood in recent years to have consisted of at least 20%
water, has been completely displaced by solid matter. The problem first came to light last week
when a youth fell from O'Connell bridge onto the river and sustained serious back injuries
without penetrating the surface. There is a direct correlation, Dublin Corporation
explained, between the solidity of the river and the number of stolen shopping trolleys and
missing prams over the last two years. 'We have been trying to persuade Quinnsworth for years
to manufacture trolleys which a sufficiently low metal density that will allow them to be
borne along by the Liffey's rather weak current and out into Dublin bay.' explained chairman Frank Feeney.
'Last time we used the dredger we recovered so many bikes that when we melted them down we were able to build
three frigates and a destroyer.' The Liffey is understood to be the world's
first river to attain a viscosity of 100%.
City ordinance compels Dublin bars to have cryptic names
DUBLIN - A row has recently flared up when Dubliner Arthur Mulligan attempted
to purchase a licence for his new bar on the Quays and was informed by the planning authorities that
'Mulligans' was not an acceptable name for his premises. The department suggested some more suitable names
for the establishment, including 'K2N', 'Prestophony' and 'Groove Colony'. 'We are particularly disposed towards
bar names that consist of only random letters and numbers, preferably less than three' explained planning manager
Rory McHannify. ''N1', 'pH5' and '3 2 Go' are all permissible. 'Mulligans', however, does not meet acceptable trendiness levels.
The litmus test is this: if you read the name and can't tell whether
it's a rave DJ or a bar, it's acceptable.' The two parties are
currently working on a compromise which could involve altering the name to Mulligan3.
Humans no longer biodegradable
SAN FRANCISCO - Leading research dieticians have confirmed that the age of the rotting corpse is now over:
modern humans now unwittingly eat so many preservatives that when they die, they will not decompose. 'The dead
will certainly exhibit the usual symptoms' explains Dr. David Londegaard, 'such as rigor mortis, facial pallor, and sparse
conversation. But it looks as though people are going to stay looking pretty good for hundreds of years after
they die.' The news that Coke bottles, bin liners and Bridgestone tyres will biodegrade faster than humans has
received a mixed reaction in those parts of the world where food is eaten. 'Think about it,' remarked one young man, 'If I died
tomorrow I'd look better in two hundred years time than I would in twenty years time if I'd stayed alive.'
Pharmaceutical company Bayer have been working on a rotting agent to place in food for years, but had to stop their
research trials last year when a test subject began decomposing before death. The landscape of mortality looks
utterly changed, however, with Lenin's tomb sure to decline in popularity, above-ground burial to become more common,
and any future zombie movies doomed to feature fresh-faced undead largely indistinguishable from the living.
Portrait of Killiney woman looks down on you whatever angle you view it from
DUBLIN - Staff at the National Gallery have been astounded this week by an unusual optical
effect exhibited by the latest addition to their collection. 'The portrait of Maura
Witherington is unique' said curator Seamus DeLucia, 'in that its disapproving gaze seems
to follow you as you walk about the room, and even when you leave it.' DeLucia explained
that staff members have stood on the pavement outside the gallery and viewed the portrait
through the window, 'and there it was, glowering snootily down on us. Truly remarkable.'
DeLucia has revealed that his staff have tested the effect to the full by viewing the
portrait from the top of a fifteen-foot stepladder. 'Even when we were eight feet above
it' he explained, 'it was somehow still looking down its nose at us.'
Inscription on base of statue asks citizens
to remember Decko
IRELAND - Passers-by in Dublin were last week puzzled by the inscription on the plinth of a prominent public
statue. Emblazoned across the stone surface in blue ink was the legend 'Rem Decko'. This somewhat to-the-point exhortation has prompted many speculations as to what the
mysterious Decko should be remembered for. '"Rem" is certainly an abbreviation predating the Anglo-Norman invasion'
explained one historian, 'but the dress of the gentleman depicted in this statue is clearly eighteenth-century. Moreover,
the name Decko has something of a slavic ring, and the inscription is most unorthodox in it's application. Far from
being bevelled into the stone, it seems to have been applied to the surface with some kind of bright-blue marker.' Dublin
Corporation has assured citizens that despite the temporary appearance of the inscription, it will remain on the
statue for many years.
|
|
|
Steadfastly filling the vacuum left by Glenroe 
