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L E S T W E A I R B R U S H
T H E W A R H U R R I E D L Y R E M E M B E R E D |
 BAGHDAD - People all over the world wondering how the US managed to invade an entire country and create such a pleasantly low number of brutal fatalities have finally had the mystery solved for them sometime a few months back. Weeks before the attack, a beleagured and fitfully sober President Bush was coping with the potential PR catastrophe of an internationally unwanted war sure to have a high civilian casualty rate. 'What I needed was a crack, non-injurious military unit capable of using lethal force to great effect without doing anyone any harm' he explained. 'Since such an expectation was completely unrealistic, I dispensed with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and turned to TV'. It was whilst watching re-runs of Steven J. Cannell shows from the Eighties that the idea occurred to the President of using the cast of 'The A-Team', a show famous for restarting the career of George Peppard, extending beyond all natural laws the career of Dirk Benedict, and completely ending the career of that other guy. The A-Team is also famous for having shot off an estimated 340,000 rounds of ammunition through four seasons without actually hitting anyone. 'I was deeply impressed by footage of them lobbing grenades onto rooves that then sent their foes sprinting safely away before being harmlessly blown off the one-storey building by the blast' President Bush explained. 'Also impressive was the way in which they seem to literally chase someone away with a spray of bullets. At the end of each episode all the heavies are lying around on the ground moaning, defeated, and not even bleeding. That's real soldiering.' It has emerged that Peppard later replaced Colonel Franks, with a view to making a plan come together, specifically the air attack codenamed Operation Crazy Fool led by Dwight Schulz. Meanwhile, asked at a White House press briefing today if he felt that the President had made the right decision, Mr. T responded that he pities the fool.
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Pfizer to market placebo
NEW YORK - Following clinical trials of their new drug Mynitrotoluene in which the rheumatism-treating tablet was outperformed by a placebo, the Pfizer corporation have decided to manufacture and market the placebo. 'We spent five years doing research into a single daily-dosage cure for this ailment' explained chief pharmacologist Ethan Wood today, 'only to find that 62% of the test group responded better to a lozenge of chalk and sugar with the Pfizer logo etched into it. This is most disappointing.' What is perhaps even more disappointing for the corporation is that recipients of the real medication have all died. 'Those reports are hugely exaggerated' Wood briskly retorted. 'At least two of them are still in a coma. Nevertheless a 98% mortality rate points to a serious shortcoming in our new product, so for the moment we're going to market the placebo. Just don't tell anyone it's a placebo or then it won't work.' Meanwhile, after test subjects for a new nacrolepsy tablet in a Maryland research unit began to exhibit Viagra-like symptoms, a battery of ex-swimsuit-model lab technicians have been dismissed from the company.
British Airways introduce new 'screeching baby' class
LONDON - Mindful of the trauma suffered by both passengers and mothers alike when a child will simply not stop screaming throughout a five-hour flight, British Airways have upgraded their economy class service to feature a new 'screeching baby' class. 'Passengers utilising this new class will be able to travel in safety and comfort in the undercarriage of the fuselage' explained BA public relations officer Nigel Thompson today. 'Not only will passengers in economy and first class be unable to hear the passengers placed below them in steerage, but the accompnaying mothers will be unable to hear their child screaming, owing to the deafening engine noise in the hull.' Thompson has explained that other, more controversial methods were proposed for dealing with the mounting crisis of wailing infants. 'We suggested a special in-flight gag, but there were immediate objections; tranquilizers failed to get through security checks; and we could only comfortably fit six mother-and-child passengers into the lavatory.' He added: 'It should be noted that the screeching baby class is compulsory for such encumbered mothers, and attempting to infiltrate another, quieter class is not permitted. Airports serving BA flights are now frisking all passengers for screeching babies.' Thomson also advises that all BA passengers should inquire about the airline's Frequent Crier program.
Oil prices expected to rise following OPEC stag party
UAE - Shares prices on the London Petroleum Exchange exhibited behaviour that was capricious to say the least today as Crown Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia prepared to take his fifth wife of this year in Dubai. The epic session will feature a trip to see to the Eiffel Tower (dismantled, flown in and re-assembled specially for the occasion) in the prince's garden; a banquet garnished with meat from the world's top twelve racehorses; and the finest wines imported from the Babylonian Empire using a time-machine custom-built by NASA for the occasion. The Crown Prince is expected to be sober by 11:00am Saudi time the following morning, whereupon experts predict that he will gaze around him and ask his advisors 'How in the world are we going to pay for all this?'
Man trapped in woman's body, mineshaft
USA - Despite putting in an eight-hour effort, rescue workers in Warren's Gulch, Missouri have been unable to release miner Danny 'Danielle' Harrison from both the collapsed mineshaft and woman's body he is trapped in. For four hours rescue crews and industrial accident recovery teams have been arguing with psychologists and daytime talk show hosts as to whether to rescue the woman from the man first or the man from the mine. Doctor of Therapeutic PsychoHarumScarum Phillip Schwartzberg has insisted that the man has to come out of himself before he can come out of the mine. 'I can assure you that right now Mr. Harrison feels more constrained by the suffocating mores of a illiberal and unaccepting society than he does by the 200-pound beam of timber that has crushed his left lung and left him pinned against a jagged wall of rock' he explained. 'This man is being slowly suffocated by our gender role assignment values, not the cloud of deadly Nitrious Dioxide slowly building up down there.' Meanwhile Mr. Harrison's faint voice could be heard in the last hour from deep within the cavernous mine, somewhat cryptically lamenting: 'Am I doomed to remain trapped in this thing until I die?'
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People of Vatican: we love you 
