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- US concerned for safety of world's most wanted terrorist
- Tallaghban say Bin Laden 'missing', promise to keep an eye out
- Commander of largest military coalition ever assembled taunts Al Qaeda leader to 'come out and fight like a man'
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MEDINA - The parents of missing teenager Osama Bin Laden yesterday made an emotional appeal on Sky News for the safe return of their son's nuclear arsenal. Mr and Mrs. Bin Laden have been assured by NATO commanders and the US joint chiefs of staff that every effort is being made to find their son. Meanwhile, the Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has been informed of the possibility that Bin Laden may have fled the safety of famine-starved, warn-torn Afghanistan for Tallaght. 'This is truly a very worrying development' stated the Taoiseach. 'Brigades of tracksuited teenagers with Eminem haircuts wander the streets of Tallaght night and day in their thousands: Ireland cannot hope to muster an army to defeat such a force.' No country has ever mounted a successful invasion of Tallaght, since the amount of people living there wearing combats all day long has proved too confusing for most armies to distinguish the enemy from each other. Pressure is now being put on neighbouring Walkinstown to force the Tallaghban to hand Bin Laden over. 'What are you talking about?' exclaimed the chairman of Walkinstown county council. 'I'm not asking them for squat - I got bottled over the head at the last two meetings. Forget it.'
This just in: Bin Laden, Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles.
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First contact with alien life ruined by AIB employee
LIMERICK - 'What? What? Speak up, I can't hear you. [Under breath:] F**k's sake.' were among the first words uttered during man's historic first contact with extraterrestrial life. The intergalactic broadcast was received by an analog phone in an AIB bank in Limerick. 'The continent of Europe was facing the source of the signal from the Andromeda system at the time' explained SETI specialist Kurt Kleinman. 'It could have been any number of recipients, but the signal unfortunately was intercepted by a staff member of AIB, specifically the spectacularly shrewish Nuala O'Cinnéide, noted for her permanently knitted brow and all the approachability of a reactor core.' Kleinman went on to explain that this meant that the first words heard by alien life from our planet were probably a huffy 'Yes?' followed immediately by a 'Can I help you?' drained of all sincerity and emitted with a growl clearly warning the caller not to answer in the affirmative. 'They were goin on and on and they were hardly able to speak English at all' O'Cinnéide barked at reporters during a press conference yesterday. 'I kept asking them "Look - do you want a deposit or withdrawal?" and they just kept saying "Greetings".' O'Cinnéide remains unapologetic for having cut the signal from Andromeda by hanging up in a huff, and told reporters with further questions that they would be answered by a woman at another counter, who informed them that they don't do that here, they'll have to go next door, which they then discovered isn't open until 4:00.
New SuperQuinn Trace-Back system allows supermarket to pinpoint
the Guatemalan peasant who picked the rotten orange the customer complains about,
give him a good beating
IRELAND - Following on from the success of their digital food-tracing system, SuperQuinn have made dramatic improvements to the original implementation. 'Beforehand the Trace-Back system only applied to farm animals, but we have recently expanded this group to include third-world labourers' explained CEO Feargal Quinn. 'The original idea was to trace the product right back to the cow from which the steak came. You'd be amazed how curious our customers were about what the cow they are about to take a bite out of looked like before it got the chop. We even provided a nice picture of the cow standing in the field, and some biographical details. Customers informed us that getting to know the cow personally made their beefburgers taste even nicer, made them feel more in touch with the meal they were eating. We even had an appetising slogan - "From pasture to plate".' Quinn explained that now the system can be applied to fruit picked by third-world peasants in hot climates, whose selectivity is assured 'by the knowledge that if Irish customers are not happy with the product, the Trace-Back system will locate the labourer and a member of the brutal miltary regime will give him a right hiding'. Asked if it were possible to have a picture of, and biographical details for the recipient of the hiding, Quinn explained that the technology had reached that level of advancement just yet.
REPORTS: A SPECIAL REPORT
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Entire workforce now employed in recruitment agencies
IRELAND - A recent report iussued by the government has put forth a comprehensive explanation for why industry, agriculture and technology have all ground to a halt in the last three months. 'Due to the booming economy and the widespread avilability of employment, the workforce has flocked to the very safest job one can have in a job-saturated market - that of the recruitment agent' explained Minister for Enterprise, Trade and Intel Mary Harney. The untilled fields and empty factories that in other countries would be regarded as a sign of economic ruin are being heralded by the government as a sure barometer of growth in jobs. 'Irish people don't want to work in those sectors anymore' explained a Trinity economist. 'Doctors, firemen, bartenders: everyone has made the career change into the careers sector. The other day I went to get my fanbelt fixed, and the mechanic told me he was now employed by Eden Recruitment, and asked if I'd be interested in an exciting career opportunity he had available in the area of careers.' The phenomenon of a jobs market consisting of only jobfinding positions has engendered some peculiar side-effects. Whereas beforehand the main complaint about recruitment agencies was that they tended to irk firms by coaxing exmployees away, an employment sector with no other purpose than to do precisely that has induced an all's-fair ethic. 'Why only last week we had a position open in a new and exciting recruitment agency, and one of the guys working for us took it' explained a Marlborough agent. 'We could make more money out of our cut from his appointment than continuing to pay him.' 'The recruitment business has huge turnover' remarked a Collins-MacNicholas executive. 'I can't imagine why that is.'
ESRI report concludes Irish economy in danger
of not being studied enough
DUBLIN - The Economic & Social Research Institute has warned in its latest report that the Irish economy has reached the peak of its ability to be scrutinised by economists, and will soon slip into a long decline of decreasing study and waning academic interest. 'Growth in the two-volume report sector reached its apogee last year' explained Alan Barrett, 'and we predict a sharp fall in page numbers and gloomy economic forecasts for the next three years'. The predicted shortfall in interminable government documents has been blamed on the monotonous success of the tiger economy, which looks set to continue for some time. 'The lack of demand for mind-numbing statistical analyses will hit the sector of the workforce employed by the ESRI most badly' explained Barrett. 'With nothing to report upon, we can expect major layoffs in the economic sector of our institute.'
Bacon report recommends more houses to politicians
DAIL EIREANN - Peter Bacon's latest report on the housing crisis was yesterday welcomed by government ministers. 'The report's recommendation to the government is that we should have more houses' explained the Taoiseach. 'Personally I couldn't agree more. And so therefore I will insist that this government lead by example. There's at least two in Dalkey I've had my eye on for a while.' The report has praised former minister Michael Lowrey, who foresaw the need for greater housing space long before the current crisis hit, and immediately acted upon it.
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The butt of the Celtic Tiger 
