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 IN a daring raid carried out on Dr. Tony Quinn's gymnasium in the Bahamas yesterday, several blueprints for successful living were stolen by members of the Al Qaeda network.
'This is an intelligence disaster of the greatest magnitude' commented US defence secretary Darth Rumsfeld. 'Islamic militants with a healthy sense of self-esteem are the most potent threat to the free world. If these guys believe in themselves, they are capable of doing anything.'
Tony Quinn, doctor of Clinical HypnoMumboJumbo, agrees. 'These blueprints give people the focus to embrace an upward spiral of growth and achieve their ultimate goals.' Since Al Qaeda's ultimate goal is the overthrow of western imperialism, he explained, this is not a good sign. 'If a person using these blueprints really wants to change their life, and they practise their daily affirmations, I am convinced that they will soon have found within themselves the inner strength and natural self-confidence to blow up several embassies.' Already newpapers in the Arab world are rife with before-and-after photographs of militants claiming they gained 200 pounds of nitroglycerine in just 10 days with Educo.
Dr. Quinn's successful living courses are well known for assuring the user that if they put their mind to it, they can have anything they want in life. 'Of course we tend to emphasise things like health, fulfilling relationships and professional success.' he explained. 'But there's no reason why the same could not apply to gelignite, pipe bombs, and mercury tilt switches.' Dr. Quinn enunciated that his successful living courses were specifically engineered to unleash the potential within anyone. 'Of course if you are really a potential airline hijacker this can be a bit of a problem.'
It has also emerged that the Tony Quinn health food line of products contains several ingredients which can be used in the manufacture of high-powered explosives, and that fertiliser bombs can be made from almost everything Dr. Quinn has written and said.
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Shooting raises spectre of terrorist threat
WAHINGTON, D.C. - US government officials were unable to confirm today whether or not the death by gunshot wounds of a known drug-dealer in the Los Angeles gangland was related to the Al Qaeda network. This latest case of death by guns in the US has heightened public fears about the threat of gun-terrorism. Experts estimate that gun-terrorism may result in up to six hundred thousand times times the casualties inflicted by bio-terrorism. Texas has been placed on high alert following the shooting, and gun owners are being asked to carefully examine their guns before shooting someone. Secretary of State Colin Powell has condemned the introduction of guns into the conflict and has vowed to step up bombing raids as a response.
IRA awarded IS0-9000 by arms dump inspectors
ARMAGH - International appointees Cyril Ramoposa and Mahti Ahtasaari have awarded the IRA the Mark of Quality following their inspection of six arms dumps in South Armagh. 'These rocket launchers and Kalashnikovs have been kept in excellent condition' enthused Ramoposa, 'Why, if a war were to break out tomorrow, these people would be as well-prepared as they are equipped.' Ahtasaari concurs. 'We deducted some points for presentation and the reception wasn't very friendly, but there's no disputing the sheer abundance and usability of the artillery on display here: every rifle fully loaded and not a firing pin out of place. The Taliban could really learn from these people.' IRA leaders are reported to be pleased to have joined the ranks of Avonmore Dairies and Lyons Tea in the Quality Approval scheme.
Goodfellas introduce new self-cooking
pepperoni-and-phosphorus pizza
NEW YORK - Pizza manufacturers Goodfellas have developed the world's first ovenless pizza. The new Pepperoni Ignito, threaded throughout with tiny beads of phosphorous, begins cooking itself as soon as it is removed from the industrial-strength shrink-wrapping. 'As soon as the pizza comes in contact with the air' explained CEO David Cassini, 'the pastry begins to crackle and smoke. All the customer has to do is wait five minutes at a distance of six to ten feet away from the pizza, and their Pepperoni Flambé is ready to serve, if not eat.' The CEO pooh-poohed reports of the dangers of placing a substance in food products that ignites when it comes in contact with air. 'The bulk of this highly flammable and deadly poisonous substance is almost completely burned up in the self-cooking process' he explained, 'and any parts that aren't are easily absorbed into the bloodstream.' He continued: 'Besides, phosphorous is one of the top twenty elements and has been at number 15 for years. I may not know much about Chemistry, but you can bet that the guys who compile the periodic charts every week know what they're doing.'
Orchestral performance of Ride of the Valkyries ruined by Ride of the Valkyries mobile ringtone
EARLSFORT TERRACE - A Deutsche Grammophon recording of Wagner's The Ring at the National Concert Hall was thrown into disarray yesterday when the most popular movement from the four-part opera was interrupted by a mobile phone ringing out precisely the same tune. Conductor Prionsias O'Din explained: 'the minute I heard it I glared down at the trombonist, as I was convinced he had neglected to properly tune his instrument again, but he was staring in puzzlement out into the audience, along with the rest of the orchestra'. Violinist Bronislaw Karanovic explained: 'At the centre of a crowd of glowering concert-goers we could see a red-faced man struggling to get out of his seat and dash out of the auditorium'. The patron in question was Maurice O'Shea from Cork, whose friend was calling him to find out if the concert was any good. 'Wagner's bombastic German music is not known for its softness and quiet' remarked Karanovic, 'and so one can appreciate the poignancy of a Siemens T-10 outdoing it for sheer volume.' Deutsche Grammophon have explained that since the 16-hour opera cannot be re-recorded, the mobile jingle will have to remain on the recording, which will be in music stores later this year. The record company have insisted that this is the only acoustic flaw in their recording of Wagner's masterpiece, and have denied rumours that during the Entry of the Gods into Valhalla, one of them appears to be receiving an SMS message.
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OLD NEWS REHASHED
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Floating abortion-protest ship to dock in Rotterdam
HOLLAND - Despite efforts by Dutch authorities to find a legal precedent for not allowing the vessel into its waters, it seems that the controversial Irish anti-abortion ship the Prúd will dock in Rotterdam next week. Once moored, the ship will allow Dutch citizens seeking access to an anti-abortion forum to board. Once they are aboard, the ship will then withdraw to twelve miles off the Dutch coast, where the protestors will stage their demonstration. Søren Sj®rgensen, manager of Rotterdam docks, has criticised the owners of the vessel for exploiting a loophole in characteristically strict Dutch law. 'All day long we have had anti-anti-abortion protestors lined up at the pier, handing out leaflets and begging the people boarding the boat not to go ahead with this procedure. The whole thing is giving Holland a reputation for intolerance' he remarked.
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Plotting world domination since 1723 
