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DUBLIN - Following at least two complaints about slow-moving agricultural vehicles causing tailbacks in the Dublin area, Dublin Corporation has introduced controversial 'tractor' lanes to the city's roads. 'We simply can't allow the slow-moving farmers that blight our every junction and thoroughfare to hold up in traffic in this manner' explained chairman Frank Feeney. 'The only solution was to create separate lanes all over Dublin to allow the free-flow of livestock and hay'. When it was pointed out that on some streets the new tractor lanes have reduced the car lane running beside them to a width of two feet, Feeney brushed the criticism aside. 'If you're looking for a testament to the sheer success of our Quality Tractor Corridor you need look no further than the praise I've received from Wexford farmer Seamus O'Hagan, who can now take a short cut through O'Connell Street when he's heading to the creamery on a Monday.' Feeney is planning to follow up the successful scheme with ICBM-transporter lanes.
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Dandruff returns
BRITAIN - Head and Shoulders have come under some criticism for their latest TV advert. The ad begins with a top hairstylist stating that 'Mandy tried Head and Shoulders for three weeks and found that her dandruff disappeared'. The nubile twentysomething in question then affects a dissatisfied expression and runs her fingers through her dark but white-speckled head of hair while the stylist continues: 'But as soon as she stopped using Head and Shoulders, the dandruff came right back, except this time bringing with it rheumatism, osteoporosis, paranoid schizophrenia, tendonitis, tumors, liver failure and a whole host of respiratory problems.' The cosmetics company have been severely criticised by consumer watchdogs for 'resorting to such desperate tactics to consolidate their existing customer base'. Head and Shoulders CEO Roderick Rutherford parried the criticism, however, by stating yesterday that 'many users of our shampoo suffer from all or some of the above symptoms, and until scientists have disestablished a causal link, we think it's only fair to warn people.' Head and Shoulders are planning to expand their campaign, and are consulting Benetton's databank for images of the appalling symptoms that are alleged to occur when users fail to exhibit brand loyalty to the shampoo.
Christmas ruined as Santa fails to clear Finnish immigration
FINLAND - Santa Claus was yesterday arrested in Joensuu airport, northern Finland, upon suspicion of trying to enter the country illegally from the arctic circle. Finnish immigration officials claim that he did not have a single clearing document with him, and were unconvinced by the elderly gentleman's tale that the goods he was carrying were not stolen or contraband, but manufactured by elves in his North Pole home, to be distributed free of charge to children all over the world on one night of the year. 'The Columbians always use that one' remarked Petri Viirtanen, 'and this doesn't look like a toy gun to me.' Customs officer Saatu Tuominen explained: 'If he's lying, we've got him: if he's telling the truth, then we may have cracked the largest illegal elf-labour ring since Nike hit the Phillipines.' The problems do not end there, however. Air traffic control are refusing to give the sled take-off permission until Comet, Dasher and Blitzen's landing gear passes saftey checks, and Rudolph's nose has a fog penetration of at least 400 metres.
RTE Guide voted Magazine of the Year by Vapona
FRANKFURT - Insecticide manufacturers Vapona have voted Ireland's RTE Guide as Europe's no. 1 fly-killer. 'It took us just under an hour to agree' explained adjudicator Gunther Dressler, 'that a rolled-up copy of this publication has been a lethal weapon in the war against bluebottles, wasps, and at least two species of African hummingbird. We have even had reports of mountains goats being beaten to death with the Christmas double issue.' Dressler went on to explain that the key to the magazine's success lay in its ability to allow the swatting agent to make an instant decision. 'Whenever a fly enters a room, a person immediately begins looking around for something to hit it with that they won't mind ruining. RTE have clearly done their market research and discovered that Irish people have no hesitation at all in bespattering the faces of Westlife members and the cast of Fair City with the corpses of dead flies.' RTE have recently developed a 'spooled' edition of the magazine which, when hooked to a ceiling, uncoils into a single helical strand of paper full of showbiz gossip, star profiles and fascinating interviews, to which winged insects are attracted for a read and then slowly suffocated.
W3C warn against new Woman virus
SEATTLE - The WWW Consortium were yesterday warning PC users worldwide about the threat posed by the fastest-spreading email virus since Melissa. 'The Woman virus begins with a harmless-looking piece of data - such as why Sharon had a massive row with her boyfriend last Saturday' explained network security expert Judd Klein yesterday. 'It then forwards this data to another potential Woman host, triggering it to automatically forward this message to every other Woman host on its list of contacts, and so on.' Within 24 hours, Klein explained, every Woman on the planet will have received this piece of data. 'The unusual thing about Woman is that despite the sheer magnitude of the Woman network, the data never seems to stray outside its boundaries' Klein enunciated. 'If you are a non-Woman host you will never be able to access this data.' Klein's team are working on a keystroke combination to defeat the virus but currently Undo + Shift does not seem to be producing the desired results.
Sky's 'Connemara Uncovered' flops spectacularly
LONDON - BSkyB's management have resolved to axe 'Connemara Uncovered', their latest fly-on-the-wall look at the world of sex, drugs, alcohol, alternative lifestyles and rave clubbing. 'I don't get it' explained programme coordinator Graham Hutchinson. 'We were sure that the Gaelic-speaking west of Ireland would be a hotbed of debauchery and pill-popping. Instead it took the crew two weeks to find one nightclub, and even then it was just some dance hall'. Sky's regular viewing audience were reported to be appalled by images of fully-clothed, older-generation people wandering around in a non-sunny climate and generally behaving themselves. 'I can tell you that our target audience were not a bit turned on by image after image of old men in black waistcoats filling creels of turf in the rain' said Hutchinson.
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We feel your pain 
