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 DUBLIN - The Irish Mint yesterday defended its inability to explain who the nun on the £5 note is by pointing out that nobody else has a clue who she is either. The revelations emerged late last year when Irish people finally became tired of looking at the nun with the price on her head and demanded to know who she was, and what she achieved to be placed on the note with the highest circulation. 'Catherine McCauley is clearly a highly accomplished nun' explained Treasury Chairman Ronan O'Brien. 'I am astonished that the Irish people, who are all too familiar with the accomplishments of Daniel O'Connell or James Joyce, are unable to recall a single important thing achieved by this icon, and send it in to us immediately.' Some biographical details have been emerging about Ms. McCauley: in an interview with a Cork bricklayer it has been averred that 'she could take your fingers off with a brass-tipped ruler', but archivists cannot be certain that the labourer is not confusing Ms. McCauley with thousands of other Sisters of No Mercy. The paucity of knowledge on the mystery nun has led to speculation that she was actually a highwaywoman who stole from the rich and gave great sex; that she disappeared mysteriously whilst attempting to spread the Christian faith in Afghanistan; and that Ireland's decision to join the common currency was an elaborate front for the government's plan to withdraw the embarrassing note from circulation overnight.
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FAA Chairman blames catastrophic engine failure for late arrival at press conference
WASHINGTON - Federal Aviation Authority Chairman Douglas McDonnell explained to the world media yesterday that catastrophic engine failure was 'the single most likely cause' of his late arrival at the press briefing in FAA HQ. 'Having ruled out other factors such as traffic congestion; not having set my alarm clock; and being unable to locate the building I work in', McDonnell explained, 'I have concluded that the smoke pouring from beneath my bonnet and the sudden loss of speed pointed to engine failure as the most likely cause of my having to pull off the motorway and flag down a milk lorry.' Pointing at blueprints of the Ford Escort's engine, the chairman continued: 'This piston has been known to jam at altitudes of 25,000 feet, but it is possible that it may fail at lower altitudes, such as 120 feet above sea level, where I found myself today on Interstate 34.' McDonnell concluded by assuring reporters that every effort was being made by Joe & Al's Quick-Lube to determine the precise cause of the engine failure, and added that the freezing cold in the conference room was most likely due to a sudden loss in cabin pressure.
Al-Qaeda members flown to Guantanamo Bay for immediate intimidation by Jack Nicholson
CUBA - Asked by the US Marine Corp to play a cigar-chomping, foul-mouthed general for a few weeks, Jack Nicholson has happily gotten into character to intimidate 20 Al-Qaeda prisoners who have arrived at the US army base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The terrorists who plotted to assassinate the pope, attack the houses of parliament and simultaneously destroy 11 airliners over the Pacific are reported to be terrified by Nicholson's arched eyebrows and manical grin. 'I eat breakfast every day ten feet away from Dolly Parton and I can still grope her without getting off my chair' Nicholson explained. 'So don't think you can come down here, flash, and make me nervous.' Amnesty international have demanded that the US give the terrorists prisoner of war status, which, under the Geneva convention, will protect them from Nicholson. Meanwhile, another plane transporting the remaining Al-Qaeda prisoners has disappeared off radar over the Atlantic: Donald Rumsfeld today assured the press that it will turn up somewhere.
Israeli bulldozer-driver pleads for tolerance
WEST BANK - Israeli construction worker Yitzhak Ghassin, ploughing through five Palestinian homes in his bulldozer, yesterday bemoaned the inability of both sides to find a peaceful resolution to the Israel-Palestine conflict. 'I have tried to make the families whose walls I tore down and whose furniture I crushed understand that Jews and Arabs will simply have to find a way to live in peace together in this land, but all they wanted to do is shout angry slogans and hurl rocks. We're never going to get anywhere with that attitude.' In the meantime President Bush has called for 'restraint on both sides, particularly the one that we haven't just given 50 Apache helicopter gunships to.'
Coca-Cola consumer not satisfied
MAINE - In a strongly-worded letter to the Coca-Cola corporation, Bill Robertson of Bangor, Maine protested that he was not satisfied with this product. 'The quality of Coke has severly declined in recent years' he explained. 'I remember when all I had to do was dip my bicycle chain in it and it came out gleaming. Now I have to leave it soaking for at least an hour.' Coca-Cola have explained that the oil-and-rust-removing agents in Coke were interfering with the taste. 'There's little doubt that Coca-Cola is excellent for purging your teeth of all those unwanted layers of 3-in-1 oil, grit and enamel' explained CEO Jeff Donnington, 'but I'm afraid we've had to reduce their concentration since receiving feedback from some customers whose mercury fillings reacted explosively to them.' Donnington has written to Roberston suggesting that he try Diet Coke, 'which, despite its name, is at least three times as corrosive' and 'has far fewer calories than Jeyes Fluid'.
LAVA LATEST
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- Thousands of Congolese fleeing volcano
- Thousands of Ugandans fleeing Congolese
- Volcano in hot pursuit
- Hopes fading in search for survivors buried under lava
- Red Cross airlifts hundreds of virgins to appease mountain god
- Relief agencies asked 'Can you say fleeing lava flowing freely three times fast?'
- Volcano may be linked to Al Qaeda network
- Congolese sample Red Cross cuisine, return to Goma immediately
- Kofi Annan misplaces notes, calls for calm on both sides
- Goma's road resurfacing complete
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Kneel trembling before us 
