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 DUBLIN - Having contended with the difficulties of overnight fame, the trauma of their first stage performance, and rumours that they fell into a vat of bleach before their debut in the Point, Louis Walsh's new pop group Six are now faced with a new challenge in the form of threatening letters from a rifle-toting maniac who has vowed to knock them off the charts with six bullets. 'This is really just an attempt to annoy me by forcing me to rename the band every time one of them gets shot' Walsh told reporters yesterday, 'Well I'm not holding any more stupid auditions in the Connemara Coast Hotel and I'm sure not forking out for the kevlar.' Co-lead singer Kyle has told the press that the knowledge that there maybe someone in the audience pointing a high-powered rifle at him has not helped his stage fright. 'But I plan to shield myself from the bullet by ducking behind Sarah. If I'm lucky I can maybe make it look like I just screwed up the choreography.' Gardai have examined the band's fan mail and have concluded that several thousand correspondents suffer from delusions of one kind or another. 'Usually when someone's being stalked we raid a suspect's house, and if they have pictures of their obsession all over their bedroom walls, then we know we've got our man.' Sergeant Hannify of Store St. explained yesterday. 'Unfortunately, in this case such a criteria would extend the list of suspects to every Irish girl under the age of fifteen with a speed-limit IQ.' The stalker has threatened to begin by reducing Six to a quintet and continuing until finally only a solo career remains. Meanwhile Metallica have offered a £20,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of anyone who tries to stop the maniac.
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United Airlines introduce stealth flights for next Thanksgiving
WASHINGTON - At a press conference, UA today announced that from now on 'Americans hoping to surprise their family members on the biggest holiday of the year will be absolutely assured of privacy, right down to arriving in a radar-invisble plane'. Air traffic controllers have verified the undetectability of the incoming passengers, and their aircraft. 'Why UA-4501, we had no idea you were coming' exclaimed controller Pete Stockhouse to UA pilot Alan Goldberg, 'Hold on a minute till I clear this runway. God, this place is in a terrible state.' Some NTSB spokesmen have questioned the wisdom of having flights crisscrossing the country and air traffic personnel with no idea of their whereabouts. 'That's typical NTSB' complained an FAA spokeman, 'trying to spoil the surprise. Our radar screens are just jammed with airplanes - we need some of them to just disappear and make things more manageable'. The NTSB have countered that the failed stealth lighthouse was also the brainchild of the FAA. 'All modern fishing boats are equipped with radar that outlines the coast for them, so the need for a lighthouse is annulled. But oh no, the FAA had to come up with a radar-invisible lighthouse that radar-enabled boats kept crashing into because they couldn't see it.'
ER cast stay in character to revive seriously injured Anthony Edwards
CHICAGO - Having been impaled on a television ariel protruding from a patient, ER star Anthony Edwards yesterday briefly broke out of character to fall onto the floor of the emergency room, screeching in agony and demanding that someone call a doctor. Fellow cast members merely stood there aghast for a few seconds until Noah Wyle, immediately remembering his role as chief resident, barked: 'Don't just stand there - shout something medical and esoteric.' Swinging into action, Slavic physician Goran Visjnic removed the extra skewered with the antennae from the operating table, yelling 'BP's one-ninety over eighty' before hoisting Edwards onto the operating table where he stared in disbelief at his colleagues and demanded to know what they were doing. 'It's all right Mr. Edwards, just relax' Wyle attempted to reassure his patient, while asking the nurse to hand him the rib-spreader. 'Guys he looks pretty bad' remarked the assistant director, peering over the shoulder of an extra frantically attempting to seal off an artery, 'shouldn't we wait for a real doctor?' 'Get him out of here!' snapped Wyle, and attempted to cauterize the wound with some stinging remarks from Dr. Romano.
Bill Gates closes windows, reboots house
WASHINGTON STATE - Microsoft CEO Bill Gates was forced to reboot his high-tech house in Seattle yesterday following a blue-screen-door error. 'They hadn't installed the windows properly' explained Gates. 'There's nothing at all wrong with the windows - all the problems result from not installing them correctly.' Among the problems Gates has attributed to the faulty installation of the otherwise perfect windows are the fact that they are 200 feet long; are only compatible with Microsoft hinges and frames; and that the glass is painted black.
Justice dept to investigate Gary Oldman's monopoly on mad guy roles
HOLLYWOOD - As part of an antitrust suit brought by Equity, movie star Gary Oldman may be broken up by the end of the year. The suit has backing from stars such as Christopher Lloyd and Brad Dourif, whose have experienced significant loss of income from their waning presence in Hollywood's pantheon of mad guys, which they directly attribute to Oldman's deliberate self-typecasting. 'It's getting ridiculous' explained Jack Nicholson. 'Basically every screenplay with a psycho in it gets mailed to his house: he reads 50 scripts a week. We never see anything.' Attorney General Janet Reno yesterday stated 'We have uncovered 24,213 screenplays in which the mad guy is suspiciously similar to Oldman in age and appearance. If this isn't evidence of collusion on a grand scale, we don't know what is.' Reno proposes to break up Oldman into a mad guy working for Fox, Universal and Paramount, and a caring, sensitive persona which will be contracted to Disney.
O'Connell St spike soars in popularity following Corporation promise to impale every taxi driver in Dublin on it
WOOD QUAY - Dubliners' attitude to the 400-foot stainless steel spike that is to replace Nelson's Pillar at the centre of O'Connell St vastly improved yesterday with the news that Dublin taxi drivers will be skewered on the monument for all to see. 'Basically we had to find a way to make the monument unambiguously welcomed by the citizens of this city' explained Dublin Corporation chairman Frank Feeney, 'and so we came up with a plan that would remove their dislike of the spire by getting them to focus on something they hate even more.' Structural engineers have gauged the metal stress on the monument and are content that it will support the weight of several thousand gougers. 'It's a bit of a trade-off' explained metallurgist Lorcan Dunleavy, 'in that we have to keep the smelliest taxi drivers near the top and away from the public, but since these are usually the most overweight the spike will sway significantly in the wind.' The Taxi Drivers Federation has objected strongly to the plan to have all its members killed and put on public display, and plan to stage a protest in O'Connell St during the erection of the monument.
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Still refusing to recognise Dubya 
