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ZIMBABWE - The 43 remaining UN observers out of a taskforce of 729 who entered Zimbabwe to observe the country's democratic process have unanimously confirmed that the country's elections were indeed freely held. UN Secretary General Kofi Annan told a press conference yesterday that although none of the observers had returned from Zimbabwe yet, and there were still several hundred observers unaccounted for, he is confident that '43 out of 43 is about as conclusive as it gets. The state of Florida could really learn something about how to properly hold an election from this small African Republic. A sweeping, uncontroversial victory for Mr. Zimbabwe and not a hanging chad in sight.' Opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai, whose popularity dipped slightly following revelations of his plot to assassinate the president, agrees: 'In Zimbabwe, we punch voters, not votes'. Mr. Annan confirmed that he received the good news about the freely-held election via a series of videotapes sent to his office. 'Five of the observers individually confirmed to me whilst sitting on a rickety chair in a bare concrete room that the elections were held without intimidation of any sort and that they are receiving food and water every day. They apologised for the absence of the other 38 observers, and they looked a little tired, and some of them had some facial bruising. Plus it was bit difficult to make out what they were saying what with the sound of screaming coming from the room next door. But the important thing now is that the votes are in.' Not everyone is happy with the outcome, however. U2 lead singer Bono has pledged to gather together many of the world's most popular rock musicians and hold a protest concert in Sun City, South Africa.
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Report finds 79% of battered children incredibly annoying
DUBLIN - A recent study carried out by the ISPCC into domestic violence against children has found that the vast majority of them are annoying brats. 'We were shocked at the findings', explained Chairman Moya Delaney. 'Apparently children are the cause of their own misery. Most of the parents we studied cited coming in after 2am; breaking things around the house; and talking back to their father using the f-word as the primary triggers of a good beating. In that kind of environment, I'm not a bit suprised that parents lose the rag - drink or no drink.' Gone is the image of the innocent child being picked on for no reason by brutish parents. 'The demographic group that most closely represents the battered child is that of those pre-teens that wear hooded tracksuits and big-tongued sneakers, congregate after dark outside bookmakers, spit on the pavement with every other breath, and reach out to the world by urging their peers to look at that f***in spa' Delaney remarked. Given these facts, the ISPCC has already proposed a rethink of their public awareness campaign, and will now concentrate on advising the victims on how to avoid violence in the first place. 'Leaflets such as Lose the bruise in just 10 days and When Daddy is wasted will hopefully give these little hooligans some pointers on how to stay out of trouble.'
Air traffic controllers at Knock fight over landing permission
COUNTY GALWAY - Peter O'Leary and Seamus Donovan, Knock airport's air traffic control team, are engaged in a fierce row over whose turn it is to land the next plane. 'Peter is claiming that he did last week's' explained Donovan, 'but he couldn't have because he was out sick - that's why we have two controllers, by the way.' O'Leary is claiming that this happens almost every week, and that the rota of landing- and take-off permission is quite clear. 'Last week Seamus even refused point blank to allow an Aeroflot 747 to land because he knew that it would then be my turn to give the same plane take-off permission and he'd be bored for days.' O'Leary has pointed out that the Qantas flight from Adelaide has been circling the airport for two hours and is running low on fuel. Donovan has dismissed this as O'Leary's typical ploy of using the passengers' safety to get his own way.
Doctor diagnoses Pat Kenny with rational fear of failure
DUBLIN - A leading psychiatrist has diagnosed chat show host Pat Kenny with a crippling, rational fear of failure that is impeding his performance capabilities. 'In the past Mr. Kenny has always been armed with a highly adaptive irrational frame of mind which allows him to cope very well with personal failures and inadequacies' explained Dr. Mortimer Dunleavy. 'But recently he has begun to exhibit thought patterns that are less well-adjusted: such as clear-sightedness, common sense, and a realistic focus on long-terms goals.' This sudden attack of rationality is apparently destroying Kenny's sense of self-worth, and is threatening to send him spiralling into a deep depression. 'For Mr. Kenny to become a whole person again' explained Dr. Dunleavy, 'he will have to fight his way out of this poisonous thought pattern of seeing himself as he really is.'
Revealed: creationists predate creation
CALIFORNIA - Archaeologists at UCLA have discovered evidence of a creationist cult that lived in upper Mesopotamia 8000 years ago. 'They existed 2000 years before God created the Earth, according to their own beliefs' explained paleontologist Steve J. Gold. The discovery of early creationists who had the nerve to exist before waiting for God to create them has come as a blow to the modern creationist movement, which includes such luminaries as the Rev. Jerry Falwell, President George W. Bush, and Nim Chimpsky, the chimpanzee who has been taught to speak but refuses to evolve. Various attempts to dismiss the findings have already been made, including the assertion that the Carbon-14 isotope used to date the fossils is an impure element, fallen from the one true Carbon and expelled from the garden of Eden. 'Actually' adds Gold, 'these pre-creation creationists might have realised that the existence of their movement presented a threat to its own credibility - the fossils of their bodies were pretty well hidden so it looks like they tried to cover their tracks in the hope of not embarrassing later generations of their cult.'
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You and your family can now relax amidst the comfort and safety of West Bank Villas while tanks, helicopter gunships and soldiers firing live ammunition at teenagers take care of your every security need. Bask in the drinking water of the parched Palestinian village below. Bulldozers are available 24/7 to remove any unsightly Arab slums. |
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What the critics are saying:
'It's a steal!'
- Yassir Arafat
'This could be the only kind of permanent settlement Israel will make'
- George Mitchell
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Still no attitude adjustment 
